Since your child was old enough to use technology, you’ve been inundated with information on how to protect them online.   

But no matter how many safeguards you have in place or how much you warned them about predators, kids are kids.  And there’s no way that you can look over them 24/7. 

We’ve pulled together steps to take when your child has been harmed online, whether it’s sextortion, cyberbullying, grooming, image-based sexual abuse, impersonation on social platforms or dating apps, or digital harassment. It could be between your child and their friend(s), intimate partners or strangers.  

If something seems off, they may be hiding it from you because they fear you’ll punish them and take away their phone.  Or because they are ashamed, scared, humiliated. Crises get escalated the longer your child keeps it a secret. So assure them punishment is the last thing on your mind. 

Look for physical and emotional signs that may show distress, like loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, being unusually secretive, or fear of going to school. One of our team members with teenage children always says: “I cannot help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”  

So now that you know something has happened, here are some steps to take: 

  1. Create a safe space for your child to talk to you: Start doing this before something bad happens, so that your child feels safe enough to come to you if it does (without fear of getting in trouble). From a young age, let them know that their safety is #1 and that keeping things a secret is how predators strike.  Predators get kids to tell them their secrets and escalate the demands for things like nude pictures, images, etc. The more material have, the deeper the blackmail gets.  This is why kids need to be told to come to you sooner rather than later. Do not minimize your child’s experiences or the emotions they’re feeling. Do not blame them, bring up punitive action, or take away their devices. Emphasize that this is NOT THEIR FAULT. (Even if there are lessons for the child to learn to keep themselves safe – it’s not the time.) They need to feel safe right now, and you need them to share information with you so you can take action. This also drives the message that they can come to you in the future if something happens again. Reassure them that they did the right thing in telling you.
  2. Help them keep things in perspective. Kids’ brains are developing. They have difficulty keeping healthy perspectives on things – especially if they are experiencing trauma.  For teen agers, being socially stigmatized online or offline can be traumatic. Let them know the hell they’re feeling is temporary. And you need them to let you help them through it.  If you are worried about your child coping with self-harm, ask them if they are.  Asking a kid if they are thinking about harming themselves or are suicidal will not prompt them to do those things.  It’s important information you need to gauge the situation.
  3. Get them professional emotional support.  As a parent, you are dealing with this stuff for the first time too.  So don’t believe you know what to do.  That’s why there are social workers and child therapists to help.  Ask the school for referrals.
  4. Take action: Depending on what the situation is, there could be a range of steps you need to take:

    • Work with your child to block or report the person harming them through online platforms, but don’t delete anything!!!
    • DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Take screenshots and save every message, image and post that provides evidence of what happened.
      • Download our incident tracking chart so that your evidence is all in one place. 
      • NOTE: do NOT screenshot or save underage explicit content, AKA child sexual abuse material (CSAM). Immediately report CSAM to NCMEC and local law enforcement.
    • Find out quickly what features are available on the platform for reporting. Most social media apps and games SHOULD have safety and reporting features for when things go wrong.
      • Check out our resource on how to report image-based sexual abuse on social media. 
    • If the incident happened between your child and someone at school, talk to the school and make it clear that whatever action is taken needs to take into consideration how the fallout will affect your child. They have already been through hell and will need the support from all directions.
  5. Contact local authorities: Your child’s safety is of utmost importance. If for any reason you feel that it is at risk, contact local authorities.
  6. Consider taking legal action: If your child has been harmed online, please reach out to us to explore your options. We have been through this countless times with our clients, and we have seen the pain and suffering of parents and caregivers who just want their child safe and protected. Our goal is always to avoid any further trauma to the child, so we spend a lot of time developing a plan that works in the child’s best interest.
  7. Take a minute: When there is a moment to pause, consider having a thoughtful conversation in the near future not only with your child who was harmed, but with the whole family, about online safety. You now know that even with every precaution taken, bad things can still happen. But a tech safety tuneup can be cathartic, and opens the door for your child(ren) to know that they can come to you in the future, too.
  8. And remember, as a parent, this was not your fault either. There are lessons to learn from everything, but nothing is helped if you sink into a guilt pit. Don’t become obsessed with their trauma as if somebody did it to you. Nor should you use this as an opportunity to be your kids’ hero. Outsized reactions from a parent can take a kids agency away even more.  Get support for yourself to make sure you are keeping healthy boundaries as you help them with their trauma.

You can’t change what happened, but you can decide to be a reliable, safe, nonjudgmental resource for your child.